The Agony of Defeat

Today… I admit defeat.  It’s painful.  I can’t get out of bed nor can I get awake.  The monster has kicked my a-double.  Saturday I could feel myself lose my footing, stumbled, took some major punches to the gut.  Sunday, the pummeling continued to the point I was numb, could only sit and stare.

Today… I admit defeat.  I am just too tired to go on, so went to bed and went to sleep as though drugged.  Which reminds me… I need to get my prescription filled again.  Sometimes, a therapist once told me, a person just needs a little help getting over the hump.  My hump is here right smack dab in the middle of my pathway.  There is no getting around it, and I sure can’t get over it.  I need just a little help.

Today… I admit defeat.  Every day I get up, look the monster in the face, and proclaim victory.  I may be bloodied and bruised by the end of the day, but I stand victorious, the winner.

Today…  I admit defeat.  The fight was too hard, or maybe I took the hit too intensely.  The life in me is barely there; the nothingness wanting to take over; the black hole pulling like gravity.

Tomorrow… I proclaim victory.  I know it will be tough.  I know the monster will be strong.  I also know I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  Phillipians 4:13

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23 thoughts on “The Agony of Defeat

  1. My friend I will help you fight! Praying.

    Exodus 17:11-13
    “As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up – one on one side, one on the other – so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

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  2. It breaks my heart to read this. You don’t deserve anymore pain and suffering in your life. I look at the smile on your face in the profile picture………..that’s the Brenda I like to see. Satan and his demons are no match for our Lord, Jesus Christ. He promises to never leave us or forsake us!! Hold on my dear friend, hold on. Rely on the strength that God has promised to be yours. You are in my thoughts and prayers always!! LOVE YOU BB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. I’m saying a special prayer for you tonight, that you might have Victory in Jesus tomorrow. Bless your heart. So sad to read this. Not the Brenda I know!!
    Big hugs girl!

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  4. ok, ok… You are going to make me sing: This one is for you sweetie
    “Are you standing in need of a miracle today, even doctors don’t know what to do, God is able to make a way from no way…He’s still able to carry you thru’, If we will just learn to trust & obey we’ll find that our Saviour turns darkness into day. He alone can handle the challenges life brings – God is still doing great things. His power has never changed. Yes God is able to transform your life God is still doing great things. If we let God’s power work deep within, He’s able to do more than we could comprehend, He alone can handle the challenges life brings, God is still doing great things.

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  5. Brenda………I am so sorry . I just read a scripture…….hope it helps to know that I love you my friend and I am praying you have a brighter day tomorrow.

    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you truth in Him.
    Romans 15:13

    If its 3:00 am and you need me….call

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  6. I read your post this morning and my heart was heavy for you. I love you, B. Many love you. I whispered a prayer, opened up my Proverbs 31 daily devotion and here it was:
    26 Apr 2011, Marybeth Whalen
    “Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.” Psalm 4:1 (NIV)
    Though I looked okay on the outside, inside I was screaming and flailing about.
    I was stressed, anxious, worried and overwhelmed. I felt like something was pressing in on me, pushing me down emotionally and preventing me from escaping my situation. The more these feelings built up, the more I wanted to lash out, strike out, or push back against my burdens.
    Outside I looked fine; inside I was a mess.
    Do you ever feel this way? Stress comes at all of us every day, in a thousand different ways. Kid stress, job stress, money stress, house stress, and medical stress, relationship stress — the list goes on and on. Try as we might, we can’t escape it in this broken world. We feel trapped and imprisoned by these things we cannot change, and they weigh heavily on us.
    When I read our verse for today, I was struck by the explanation in my Bible for the word, “relief.” It literally means, “make room for me in tight places.” Wow. I can totally identify with that idea!
    I know what it feels like to want someone to come along and make room for me in my tight places. To remove the boundaries and burdens which threaten to smother me with their nearness.
    My stress level mounts, my blood pumps in my ears, and my hope takes flight. Whether it is the little irritations in life like being trapped in a car with a screaming toddler, or the big burdens of wondering about the future of my husband’s job, I know those tight places all too intimately. We all do. I love that Psalm 4:1 reminds us there is Someone who can come and offer relief. So many times, we try to make our own space in our tight places — handling things independently and attempting to solve problems without ever calling on the One who best knows how to make room for us.
    God is faithful to give us emotional elbow room, easing our burdens and offering us His wisdom. He shows us mercy when we call on Him, hearing our prayers and rescuing us from tight places.
    The next time you feel stressed, anxious, worried or overwhelmed, call out to God, and let Him find you in your tight place, making room where you thought there was none.
    Dear Lord, thank You for being the God who is near. When my tight places press in on me, Your presence is what I need. Thank You for offering me relief no matter what my circumstances. Help me remember to call on You in my tight places. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
    Psalm 143:1, “O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.” (NIV)
    Lamentations 3:55-57, “I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: ‘Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.’ You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’” (NIV

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