Encompassing my Essence

May 17, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 8 Comments

The apron that totally describes who I am!

My good friend, Dolores, came by one evening awhile back, quite awhile by now, and brought me this oh-so-cool apron to celebrate my blog. I have been wanting to put it on here for ages, but for some reason didn’t. (who knows with me?)

So today I took some close-up shots of all the stickers that most aptly describe me to a T!

my favorite Scripture

I can’t tell you how many times God has lifted me up to soar above the storm that surrounded me. I would show you my eagle, but my sis would frown at me showing, literally, my a** once again.

playing piano, singing, listening...

I love music. It soothes my soul or peps me up to a good mood; it gives me joy to see others learning how to play or stepping out to sing at church; and, of course, I can’t dance without it.

I love summer!!! I love chatting!!!

These aren’t my best photo shots, but was trying to get close, in a hurried sort of way. Never pays to hurry: the story of my life. How does the time get away from me like that? And why do I feel I always need to rush, rush, rush? “I’m not ready!”

happy mood? sad mood?

We have a lot of issues in my family, so sometimes we have a lot of heartache. Some days we just smile and act like everything is fine. And some days, well, everything is fine. What a great day! Those are the days we cherish… and try to remember on the “other” days.

children, sisters, brother, cousins, nephews, nieces, the greats, friend family, church family

One of my very favorite things: people. I collect them, much to my sister’s chagrin. (look that up, girlie) She gives me specific orders NOT to talk to anyone when we go shopping. She has finally got me trained because I don’t remember her saying that in a while. Now, she is the Chatty Cathy (do you remember her?) and meets all kinds of people she knows. It’s the same with my sister-in-law, Annie. I feel like I’m with a celebrity when I’m with her because everybody, and I mean everybody, knows her and gushes all over her and wants her attention and talks to her. While I stand there invisible. It’s tough. But…

yellow circle tag! I'm almost there!

I am a celebrity in training! “Well, isn’t that special?” Yeah, baby, I have a blog! Woohoo, watch out world. Okay, okay. So only a handful of people actually read it and less than a thimble full comment, I still have it!

I’m not quite sure what that little green thing means. Surely, it does not mean those nasty, littlebig, ugly words that I neverever-almost neverever-wellmaybesometimes-okayonoccasion-everyday say!!

novice photographer that needs to take some lessons

Pictures are just so cool. And since I want to be cool, I take pictures. On occasion I even take a good one.

Thank you, my friend, for such a gift of the heart. To know that you pay attention to someone, me in particular, enough to know the essence of who that person is brings joy to my heart.

Tina Fey in Time for Mother’s Day

May 7, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 6 Comments

from “THE MOTHER’S PRAYER FOR ITS DAUGHTER”

. . . May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her. When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with this little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

~ Tina Fey

I absolutely loved this and had to put it on here for Mother’s Day. So, to all the women who have mothered someone along the way, whether it’s a child or an adult (as my sis does me), then have a great day May the 8th. The world needs mothering.

Boaz

April 29, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 12 Comments

Bobo

I think my little Bobo has feline leukemia. He went to the vet today, and had a test. Won’t get the results till Monday. He’s been hanging out here ever since 1998 or 1999.

getting chased... again

Poor kitty. He has been chased by every little tyke that comes around. He usually wins… unless he’s feeling the need for some tail pulling. (Ignore messy deck.)

I have some good pictures of my little man, but I’m just too tired to look for them. It’s been a rough week. I brought him home from the vet today, let him out of his carrier, fed him some good canned cat food, (he hasn’t been eating) and now he’s gone. I’ve heard that cats will just go off and die. I’ve called and called. Usually when he hears my car pull up, he will come running. If you didn’t know better, you would think he was a dog.

He loves to lie right beside me when I’m working in the yard. Picks up and moves to wherever I go and lies down again. I can call him and here he comes. He’s always been an outside cat except to come in every now and again and search the house (I think he’s still trying to find James; they loved each other), and then goes to the back door and sits and waits till you let him out.

We accidentally left him in the house a couple of times, and instead of pooping on the floor, he went in the bathroom and pooped in the tub. I guess it was the closest thing he could come to a toilet.

I hope he doesn’t just go off and die.

An Apron Is A Holy Thing

April 22, 2011April 22, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 3 Comments

“He took a towel and tied it around His waist.” –John 13:4

An apron is a holy thing. At the Last Supper Jesus Himself donned a makeshift apron when He wrapped a towel around His waist before He washed His disciples’ feet. Aprons are also symbolic. They remind us that serving others is not always neat. Our various forms of loving can get messy at times.

The Humble Servant

The story of Jesus washing His disciples’ feet, it was an act of extreme humility that caught them off guard. And so He asked them: “Do you realize what I have done for you? . . . As I have done for you, you should also do” (John 13:12,15).

So is this the final lesson? Did Jesus wash His disciples’ feet as a way of calling them to take up a life of humble service? Well, yes and no.

“Jesus knew that His hour had come.” –John 13:1

Jesus praying

Yes, Jesus did urge His disciples to become humble servants like Himself–and He did it in a specially powerful way with this prophetic gesture. But that’s not all He was doing. Look at the way John introduces this story: “Jesus knew that His hour had come. . . .He loved His own in the world and He loved them to the end” (John 13:1).

Jesus knew that the end was near. Yet rather than spend these final few hours focusing on His own life, He went out of His way to show His disciples how deeply He loved them. He knew that words alone weren’t going to do the job. Words can be forgotten all too easily. So He chose a prophetic gesture that would make a deep impression on them. He chose to perform an act that was reserved for household slaves. He chose an act that would be forever etched in the disciples’ memories as proof of His love and His commitment to them. With this act, Jesus went beyond humility.

It was His way of telling them: “I have loved you right up to the end of my earthly days. I have confidence in you. I am entrusting my church to you. Now go and lead others as I have led you.

love

Let our hearts be filled with gratitude for the people who have served us throughout our life and for all those individuals for whom we don our apron.

Servant Jesus, may I serve the people in my life as generously and graciously a you did.–Sr. Melannie Svoboda, S.N.D. Living Faith

Spend time with Our Lord contemplating His unfathomable love for us, His giving us His Body and Blood , His agony in the garden, His walk to Calvary. Then as Easter morn dawns, we can sing that Our Savior has indeed risen!!! He have given us immeasurable gifts . . . . can we not go and stay awake an hour with Him?

(Excerpts from a devotional sent to me by email. I’m sorry; I do not know the source.)

The Cross

The Boy Who Lived With Monsters

March 17, 2011April 28, 2018 / apronsandappetites.com / 24 Comments

(This is my last post on the events of 2001. It has been a cathartic experience, perhaps necessary. One I hope has enlightened you as well as enveloped you with memories of James.)

Jarred had the most loving heart of any child I’ve ever known. Many times when I went to pick him up from grade school, he would be standing in front of a child bigger than he was, protecting that child from an apparent bully. I’ve seen him run across the street to help little women with groceries or pick up something they dropped. Even small children, toddlers, who weren’t friendly with people loved Jarred, would climb all over him; even as he began exhibiting signs in his teenage years of odd behavior. Could they still detect his sweet heart in there?

But, also, as a child, Jarred was always “different.” He would have staring episodes as if in a trance. Petit mal seizures? He would grab his ears and complain of the loud water. At first I thought there was some slight autism although I really didn’t know much about that particular devastating illness at the time; however, he was doing okay in school, maybe he would just grow out of whatever childhood oddity he had.

monster

I didn’t realize, when I would find the little guy sitting at night in the dark all alone in our living room, that he was living with monsters. I’ve since learned that’s what people with schizophrenia do. They stay up to protect their families; some sit at the kitchen table all night, vigilant.

I’ve since learned that what a child with a mental illness can hold together in grade school falls apart when that child begins changing classes. No longer is there the same desk to hold on to, the same room with the same students to bring some sort of stability to the chaotic mind. And it did fall apart. The childhood oddities gave way to serious problems with drugs and activities that were just inexplicable. There’s just too much to tell.

hell birds

“You can’t tell me you don’t see those! They’re right by the window.” Jarred would hide practically in the floorboard, afraid to look but afraid not to lest a hell bird made it’s way into the car. I don’t know what they looked like; he tried to describe them, not believing us when we said they weren’t there.

“There’s a zombie standing right behind me. I can see it in the

mirror.” This was when he was at one of the half-way houses.

He ran into my room and jumped in my bed, scared to death, and as he lay in a fetal position, he said, “I’ve been so scared I couldn’t breathe.”

All he wanted, at 18, when he first really realized something was wrong, was to get well. “What’s wrong with me?”

And then, as time passed, he would cry and say, “I just want to die. Why doesn’t God just let me die?”

The big question I have asked God as well. “Why?”

Part of His answer is in Job 38 – 42.

The Devastating Destroyer

March 16, 2011March 18, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 11 Comments

The earthquake in Japan has burdened my heart and filled me with sorrow. Watching the tsunami waters carry off entire towns is sickening… but I can’t quit watching. I feel I owe them the courtesy and honor of watching their plight, as one goes to the funeral home to honor the loved one of a friend. The constant worry and threat of possible explosions in the nuclear plant worries me for them. I will decide in the near future how I will help them. Monetarily, I’m sure, however small my portion may be.

But what does all this have to do with my writing about James this week? It has to do with empathy. I understand the feeling of being powerless to stop a raging, devastating destroyer. How brave those people were who took videos as the water surged at their feet, tearing their homes and businesses apart, their very life being destroyed as they stood watching.

That’s the way it was to watch schizophrenia take my son. Powerless. Even as I took him from doctor to doctor, from hospital to hospital, he slipped under the murky, dark water of this devastating illness.

James and Jarred. Those two names will forever be etched deep in my heart where sorrow lives. Two good-hearted men whose lives were stolen by the devastating destroyer schizophrenia.

An acquaintance said when their daughter was diagnosed with schizophrenia that they told the doctor they thought she was on drugs. The doctor sadly said, “I only wish she were.” Although using drugs is something one with a mental illness does to try to self-medicate, it is not the cause of schizophrenia.

And my James understood this better than I ever could. When I was at my wit’s end trying to understand the behaviors of my son, James would explain it to me. “He can’t tell what’s real and what’s not real.” Schizophrenia doesn’t take away one’s intelligence; it alters his/her perception of the world.

Jarred’s world was altered from a safe, loving environment to one filled with monsters and hell birds and zombies; a life filled with fear. A life stolen and destroyed.

“I Was Born to Take Care of You”

March 15, 2011March 15, 2011 / apronsandappetites.com / 16 Comments

James worked three jobs: driving a truck, driving a bus for the school, and being the youth leader at church. He also began college again, having quit in his younger days, standing up in class and speaking out for his beliefs. He wasn’t afraid to tackle a difficult situation, conversation, or project… or relationship. James was a busy man. But his No. 1 job was to take care of me. And anyone that knows me knows that is a full-time job. He would get my Bible and my treats for my Sunday School children all ready (he was always on time and had it together) and stand in the bathroom doorway, leaning his shoulder against the doorjamb, watching me finish with make-up. I would say, “I’m hurrying,” and he would reply, “Just take your time; I like watching you.” He was the husband the Bible talks about when it tries to teach us how to interact as husband and wife. If he told me once, he told me a thousand times, “I was born to take care of you.”

Beauty and the Beast

He did take care of me. He was a neat, orderly person; everything had a place and it should be kept there. I am a slob and drove him nuts, so he taught me and encouraged me and showed me how to be orderly and how good it feels to be orderly. He took care of the yard, the pool, the vehicles, cooked, washed clothes, cleaned. Anything I could do, quite literally, he could do just as well or better.

James and Brenda

He didn’t need me. He loved me.

And he loved my children. Even though they were older, he still felt a responsibility toward them and had concern about their lives. My youngest son was no exception, my youngest son who had finally been diagnosed with schizophrenia, my youngest son whose behavior became more and more absurd, my youngest son who would eventually take the life of the man who understood him the most.

studying

James had done research about schizophrenia for his college classes and would call and talk to the doctors concerning my son’s illness, the medications, the subsequent hospitalizations, doing what he could to get the help needed, the help that never came, the help that could have saved his life.

Yes, I am still angry.

A Man Of God

March 14, 2011April 28, 2018 / apronsandappetites.com / 11 Comments

(This week the header picture will be one James took; he loved shooting animals and landscapes.)

Jimmie Joe, JJ, (James to me because that’s what he liked to be called) had the most infectious smile that lit up his whole face and the space around him. He was such a stinker until the day God grabbed his heart and changed him forever.

what a cutie

I have always loved God, loved my relationship with Jesus the Christ, and loved the fact that the Spirit can move me with the His quiet presence. Some of my favorite radio stations are the ones that play contemporary Christian music: 104.5 around these parts is one. I had been telling James he should listen to it because it played great music, had great stuff on there.

One day, he came home and said he had been listening to that station all day, and I don’t think he ever turned the radio dial away from it after that, calling in and winning contests; books, CD’s. Nor did he turn back from the path he had embarked on with God as his guide. He began to lead the youth in our church, play his trombone in worship, and love the things of God.

His love for the youth of our church, as well as the whole county, was obvious to anybody that was around him. He had a deep conviction to show these youth there was a better, greater, more exciting way than drugs or alcohol. He was filled with the joy of the Lord and wanted them to experience that too. He worked diligently to teach them, to make things interesting, to give them opportunities that showed them who Jesus really is.

with the youth at Agape

He took them to the Agape music festival at Greenville College, had lock-ins, had cook-outs at our home, and just generally was there, present, in case they needed him. Those kids still, ten years later, have him in their hearts.

cooking for the kids

He loved music and encouraged those of us who could play a musical instrument in church to get together and practice to play during worship. And we did: keyboard, drums, trombone, clarinet, guitars, whatever we could play. He also worked at getting the sound system just right, good for recording the music and the church services. My sister and I have always sang together and wanted to make our mother a recording of songs for her birthday. James went with us to the church to record the music. At one point in the evening I noticed him leaning back in the chair with his eyes closed. Thinking he was getting bored and tired of listening and relistening to us, I told him we would hurry. He sat up, tears on his face, and said, “No, I’m enjoying this.”

Joe, his grandfather, would come to the house, and we would all three watch the Gaithers on television. I mean, I love the Gaithers, but contemporary Christian was more our style, and yet James would sit there and loved watching this. His grandpa loved it, too.

He would call me outside of an evening to look at a particularly beautiful sunset and say, “I stand amazed in the Presence.” And although that beautiful senset was, of course, amazing, it was not nearly as amazing as the transformation that took place in James’ life.

An amazing man of God.

A LOVE STORY

March 13, 2011April 28, 2018 / apronsandappetites.com / 9 Comments

March 12 , 2001, was the day schizophrenia finally won the battle within the mind of my son, and the day my husband died as a result of that lost battle.

I purposefully waited until after that date to write this tribute to my late husband because that is also the day his sister tries to celebrate her birthday. A hard thing to do, I’m sure, as she has lost her entire family unit (grandpa, grandma, great-aunt, great-uncle, mother, father, and brother) with whom she spent her childhood years until she moved away to college and then marriage. Thankfully, God has given her a great second family although this year she has also lost a member of that as well: a wonderful, loving, caring father-in-law.

It has been ten years since my husband died. It seems like yesterday. I will write about him this week because he deserves to have things written about him, and I know others miss him as much as I do and are taking note, as I do, of the passing years without him.

James Joseph “Jimmie Joe” was younger than I was; someone I wouldn’t in a million and one years have ever dreamed I would one day marry. I suppose God had a different plan, or maybe He just took the circumstances James and I started and created something good, as only God can do.

James lived down the street from me. He was between girlfriends, I suppose, and I was going through a divorce. He would call and talk for a brief moment or stop and talk if he saw me out, and one day even knocked on my door. And tell you the truth, I’m still not sure how I finally said I would go out with him. But those first encounters eventually led to an actual date a few months later… and a marriage a couple of years later. It was a scandalous affair! We were the talk of our little town, and didn’t give a rip. The only thing I cared about and he cared about were our families and how they would handle it, what they would think. And I have to say, they were great sports even though I’m sure it was difficult to understand. After all, James and I were polar opposites.

What a beautiful smile!

He loved that hat!

Can you see why anyone could not resist that smile?

Being polar opposites wasn’t enough to stand in the way of fate. At least that’s what James always said, “You may as well accept it; it’s fate.” There were lots of things he said, good things from a good man.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about that good man some more.