Tina Fey in Time for Mother’s Day


. . . May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not  the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer. Guide her, protect her. When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off  escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel  intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers. O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with this little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.


~ Tina Fey

I absolutely loved this and had to put it on here for Mother’s Day.  So, to all the women who have mothered someone along the way, whether it’s a child or an adult (as my sis does me), then have a great day May the 8th.  The world needs mothering.

6 thoughts on “Tina Fey in Time for Mother’s Day

  1. I don’t think you truly appreciate your Mother until you become one yourself!! Then you realize all she did for you growing up……..HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!


  2. I just read this, a little late obviously, but I come by it honest: as they like to say in these parts. Haha If this was an R rated blog I would say f@#*ing awesome!!!! No disrespect; sometimes you just have to use certain words to relay the effect. But, since it is not, what an awesome, insightful, truth that conveys. Love my momma; but take note people, no pictures of me on here, only the golden child. 🙂


    • Protecting you from the evil rag up north, little one. Don’t know who will get hold of cyber pics. Try to only put ones on here that I will let perverts and weirdos have. I am assuming the golden child is the hard-working son and not his evil alter ego, although I wondered why you didn’t say golden children because I thought you were talking about the girls. Now, THEY are golden!! And I hate to break this to you, but the latter words relay the effect ever so much better than the former. Spoken like the intelligent and articulate person you are. Being late is better than never. 🙂


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