Since 2001 my life is centered around his birthday in January, his death in March, and Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. Yeah, I know. That’s a long time. Just yesterday really. Trauma has a way of changing the timing and the color of one’s world… forever.
This is March, the month he died, the day I live again and again and again. I suppose I will till the Alzheimer’s kicks in. I remember the last phone conversation we had that day. Oh, why didn’t he work as late as he said he was going to? I would have been home first.
I remember the morning, his last goodbye to me. He always got up really early to drive the truck; then would stop by later in the morning and make sure I was up. Our last phone conversation; he was planning on fixing supper. He had the most gorgeous voice.
The phone call as I was coming home from work. Something was wrong, even though my friend only said to stop by the house before I went home, but I tried not to believe that gut-wrenching premonition. The speedometer reached at least 90; I’m sure faster.
Hearing the words; feeling my heart stop; going into shock. Seeing yet not understanding what all was going on: the police cars, lights, ambulance, people everywhere.
When I saw the ambulance, I started to get out. That’s the ambulance; he’s still here. And hearing the ones protecting me tell me not to go; the medics were trying to keep his blood pressure stable. Okay. That makes sense. He might become agitated. Better not go then. But why aren’t they leaving? Waiting for the Lifeflight that came too late.
All of a sudden we are at the old high school. The helicopter is finally here. And before I can get out of the car, again, I am told to stay in the car, go on to the hospital. Oh, all right. Good. I will be there when he gets there. Only he didn’t.
Driving to the hospital. Surrounded by friends and my daughter. Hearing the phone ring; then hearing the words “Turn around.” I can’t breathe. I have to get out of this car. So I open the door to step out, step out of the fast-moving vehicle on the busy highway, and my friend grabs my arm, to protect me, keep me safe. You let go of me right now! And in her shock, she does. As I open the door, the car is swung off the road and stopped.
I run. I run away from reality. There is a field, with a pond, a cool pond that will take me away, past reality, a place I can run into. Only my daughter stops me, crying, saying she needs me. And I need her. We need each other this night of death.
All these many years later, time gone by, the memories are tattooed on my heart and embedded deep within my brain. Each word said by each person a video popping up to be played year after year. Faces on a collage of memory.
No, time doesn’t heal all wounds.
apronsandappetites 
Love you Bren. So thankful that you are in our lives. Through all this turmoil that you have walked through and still walking in….you still bring light to the dark, joy and laughter, and big sister….you look beautiful! Keep loving the Lord your God with ALL your heart, soul and mind.
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BB…..i am crying …..I also relive that time and the lights the sirens….the phone call…..Please know I love you as do all that knows you…..I cant know how much you miss him…but I know forever all of the happenings of that time will forever be with us. He was so special to so many of our young people who have grown up , but he taught them a lot in the time he was our youth leader and they will always remember the seeds that he planted. I love you Brenda
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Brenda, I never knew exactly what happened. Figured it was a horrible thing…Only know what you write…It is such a love story with a very sad ending, one that is unimaginable for anyone. God has given you this tragedy. I have learned so much from reading your writings. Tears are in my eyes, but you have left so many smiles on my face…God loves you—it is told in your stories…
Hugs to you today-as you are in my thoughts..
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Job 2:13
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Brenda I know no other that could carry this burden as you have. The Lord knows what we can carry. and for whatever it was, He had a reason to take James at such an early age. One day we will know . One day you will know all. Until then, just trust in the Lord and what he still has planned in your life. He is in control. You are an example to so many. God Bless you, Brenda. We all love you.
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Huggs
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Brenda you are in my thoughts and prayers………..
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I love you, B. I wish you didn’t have these memories. I so wish they were different ones, good ones. I wish James was still here with you. Hugs and prayers for you always.
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I remember this sitting at your cousins table.We shared our sorrows.You are right time doesn’t heal all wounds.
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Brenda, what a loving tribute to James. What a beautiful love story. Brenda you are such an amazing woman and I love you soooo much.
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Thanks, all of you, for reading, sympathizing, carrying me, loving me, meeting me where I am, being great people, responding, giving out support and good words. You are just a great bunch of people. 🙂
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Strange… the timing of things. The men in our lives are gone and we filled the void as best we could. We started the SIPS Club, held gatherings with our black hearted buddy, reinvented Charlie and his angels, created poetry and artistically designed posters , had camp outs on the front sidewalk. AND without you, I would have never discovered junk jewelry! I love you.
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Oh my gosh!! This is great. When written down, gathered together like this, our escapades are and were grand. I absolutely love love love your creative writing as well as our artistically designed posters. LOL Healing times they were.
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